'On this trial everything depends. If this succeeds, I can move on, I can start a new life: drink, fight, fuck, go to sea, work in harbors, roam the docks at night, steed, ride, curse, scorch with men, woo women, become a great doctor - abroad, of course. Let the whole damn life drip down my chin like a juicy fruit, merde, at least be anything but obedient and modified out of fear of life.'